Poetry is not usually my thing but every now and then words come to me and I write them down and then try to make sense of them. I wrote this a few weeks ago when I was experiencing what could have been a relapse of Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (ME/CFS). I’ve experienced ME/CFS for almost eight years now, so I thought I knew the deal with this. I'm not new to experiencing fatigue, but somehow this had a different feel to it. I think the exhaustion I was feeling had other routes to it this time, perhaps some emotional and physical burnout.

At first I felt all the usual frustration that accompanies this kind of fatigue but then I started to think about fatigue as a place of healing. After all, what happens to us when we are ill? The body gets tired, we are forced to rest until we recover. Whilst we sleep, whilst we rest, the body and mind (all being well) goes through a process of recovery, regeneration and healing. 

I started to think about allowing the fatigue; not fighting and resisting it. Allowing it to be there. Accommodating it with extra rest. Allowing myself to go through whatever was needing to be processed. Accepting, allowing, resting and waiting to feel better.

Could I think of this fatigue as some healing and recovery that needed to happen and be patient until I was through to the other side? 

Well patience can be a big ask and of course emotions like frustration, grief and impatience came up for me. But this reframe was helpful in giving me a different perspective and not spiralling into fear that my health was much worse and going into relapse. It encouraged me to rest rather than always pushing through.

The healing process isn’t linear, sometimes there are steps backwards, and it’s not always easy to see and experience those setbacks with perspective.